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Still today I don’t know whether some things actually happened or whether it was my delirium.

There was an occasion where I was lying in bed and I could hear a woman kicking off, getting all excited, and I heard staff say ‘don’t worry, we’ve got an off-duty police officer as a patient on the ward’ (which is me) and I thought ‘well, I can’t do anything about it – I can’t move, I can’t get out of bed! Are they expecting me to restrain this woman?’

There was another occasion where – and I think this happened but again I’m not 100% sure – I was having my central line changed (the feeding and medication tubes) under local anaesthetic in my bed…And I could hear a patient, a male patient, shouting for the doctor who was doing this procedure on me – it was just cutting a hole and putting another tube in; and then I could hear someone being assaulted, so I could hear this slap or punch or something along those lines, and I was really scared because I thought ‘he’s coming for my doctor, he’s really angry at the doctor’ and I’m lying there, she’s got a knife to my neck…I couldn’t see, cause I had this blue towel tissue thing, surgical sort of covering over me, I couldn’t see, I could hear what was going on – and it sounded like it was very close, and I was really concerned for my safety then, and also the safety of the doctor…and then I think the police came in, and I’m sure I remember seeing uniform; but actually now I know I was never facing that way round, so that must have been either part true, part hallucination, or complete hallucination, delirium…

 

In my most comforting hallucination – because they weren’t all frightening…
Two weeks before I was admitted here, my nan died, and I couldn’t visit her, just leading up to her death …I couldn’t go to the funeral, which was really upsetting. Then the week before I was admitted, one of my best friends suddenly died.

So in this particular hallucination, I can see my best friend and my nan walking towards this light – I’m lying in the bed, and I can see a light, just like daylight like it is up there in the blinds – and I’m waving at them goodbye, I can see they’re OK and they’ve gone to this light. And there was another girl there, a friend of mine; she died a few years ago from sudden adult death syndrome. So the three people I’d lost recently, I’m seeing them go to this light.

With my other hand you can see me beckoning somebody – and this woman – a beautiful woman, rises up out of a lake, turns to me, and she’s holding a baby, so I’m telling her to come to me. I had a baby, with the result of me ending up in intensive care, but I hadn’t seen her at this point.
So I’m beckoning this lady – beautiful lady, with this baby girl, to come to me…

 

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