It’s not a dream. If you say ‘hallucinations’, they think you’ve been taking drugs. ‘Psychosis’ means you’re psychotic.

Some people may only have one, and that’s a really nice one.  But 99 times out of 100 it’s a horrific nightmare. What word to use? Nightmare is not the right word but – delirium – some people still think now that it actually happened. To me it was like I was fully awake all the time – you’re acting it out.

There’s a lot of misinterpretation in the media.
Relatives face … confusion and disbelief.


I can still remember details, but not the order.

1. I was facing the door – couldn’t really look around – curtains, machinery, drips. Looking straight ahead.  [It was] in a cinema – I was like a projector. Intermission music – could hear it – then I knew what was coming next. More people going from the cinema – they were using bits of me for the food. Then I’d go back again after the intermission and start the film… [it was] just weird, you couldn’t get out of it.

2. One time I was very cold and [the medical team] brought the temperature back up…:
Ice – or you’re underground.. a village under the ice… [they were] out fishing
[It was] the feeling of a hotel made of ice.

3. Boats, planes, travel.
I was on a Royal Navy frigate. One of the nurses was Captain Bob, and the registrar was the lieutenant. Didn’t know where I was going but I knew I was on a naval vessel.

…a lot of it was that you didn’t know where you were going or…

4. Then I had a nail going from my hand up to my nose. (It must have been a feeding tube.)

5. Pyramids, again underground.  Being attacked. Lots of spiders, insects, trying to get in… I explained to the doctors I had spiders crawling all over my chest.

6. On a ferry. Can remember being violently ill – I actually was – I’d had 2 cartons of pineapple juice.

7. One where I was in a grave and people were standing above me.

8. The worst one – the one I hated the most:
Hundreds of floors down, basement, concrete pillars, dusty, cobwebs, old.
I knew I was dead, but I’d been there for years. Couldn’t see anyone, and I knew it was infinite, that …I’d never be able to get in that lift door and get back up. I was never-ending.

In hell; I was having to pretend I was there because I was bad. They were dictators… peer pressure making me invent a bad thing. Not traditional hell – underground. Could it be the lack of natural light in ICUs? A lift. It seems dark all the time.

9. I knew I was going to go on a plane – people around you – in limbo between one place and another you don’t know where you’re going or why, you just know you’re going somewhere. Kidnapping – under the hospital. …people were going to blow up …the old hospital. There were computer screens with a countdown to the hospital exploding. (The computer at the end of the bed?)

10. I was in the Highlands in a bothy – wanting to escape somewhere and wanting to get back to where I needed to be.

11. A Chinese person would come past on a wooden boat like a punt, on underground canals… with potions or remedies, and give them to my mum and dad, who would then give them to me.

Some people may only have one, and that’s a really nice one.

One went up in a spaceship. Went up, it was nice, came back down again.
One was in a birds’ nest.


Image courtesy of http://charliequinscameras.blogspot.co.uk/


One thought on “I was a projector: imperfect transcription of a conversation with Matt

  1. Pingback: All at sea – limbo & delirium | Victoria Hume

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